A Rejection Reflection

Generally I have it good, I’m conscious of that, but throughout my life I’ve faced continual disappointment in certain aspects of it. Well mainly just one aspect to be honest. The voice, the speech, the articulation has always been a struggle and it’s never reflected the true thoughts and personality of this double tongued man.

I pick myself up. Dust myself off and move on. Again. And again. And again. I often feel like a kid. A kid who can’t get the words out. A kid who continually avoids phone conversations as often as he can. A kid who wants to say something but can’t. A kid who has to change and reconstruct words and sentences but still comes off second best. It’s always second best. Sometimes I even sound like a kid. Maybe that’s why I love the company of children so much; you can be silly with them without feeling silly. I love their innocence. Their dreams. Their thoughts. Their vulnerabilities. Their possibilities. Their future potential.

But alas, I’m an adult and this isn’t a moan or a complaint. This isn’t me looking for attention. This is me just journalising my thoughts and experiences. I’m just getting a bit sick and tired of me. I’m probably just a bit raw at the moment and no doubt it will soon again pass. It’s just my life. I’ve adapted as best I can. I’ve put myself out there as best I can. But often in life the best is not enough.

Call me optimistic and I’ll tell you why not. Call me cynical and I’ll also tell you why not. I balance on life’s tightrope. I’m the one who continually motivates. I’m the one who people always confide in. I’m the one who people seek out for advice. I’m not a sad person. I’m not a mad person. I’m not a bitter person. They’re just not traits of mine. I’m just a bit fed up with me being me. I always strive to achieve. I always strive to advance myself and to better myself. But when you once again hit that glass ceiling, it’s the “same old story same old act, one step up and two steps back”.

My biggest achievement is and always will be my beautiful family. I adore them. They keep me young, silly and happy – the way I am and the way I want to be. But sometimes, and as the lines in this song go

“When i look at myself I don’t see the man I wanted to be
Somewhere along the line I slipped off track
I’m caught movin’ one step up and two steps back”

DD