Digital Dad: How I Went From Superhero to Supervillain

It was a tradition in my old place of work (and hopefully still is) that whenever somebody left the company they would be given a large A3 card with a photoshopped image of themselves on the front. The card would be signed by all the staff, and typically the photoshopped image referenced the employee’s personality or the sterling work that they had done during their time in the company.

My card was that of Clark Kent ripping open his shirt to reveal the Superman logo and suit underneath. My face was superimposed on Mr Kent’s body, and the reference I can assure you was not that I was a ‘Superman’ but rather Mr. Geek Chic like Clark himself.

Fast forward 12 months, and my then three year old – Thing 1 – who was (and still is) a Superhero fanatic came across the card as we were clearing out the spare room. He literally froze in astonishment staring at the card while momentarily glancing back and forth between me and my now alter ego Superman. He couldn’t believe it. He genuinely thought that I was once Superman (the man boobs giving away my early retirement) and not one to disappoint I took on this role with aplomb and embellished it for all it was worth.

I told tales of Lex Luthor, detailed my battles with General Zod, explained the menace that was Darkseid and talked about sharing burgers with Spiderman and Batman in Planet Hollywood. He loved it. I loved it. He saw me as Superman – my wife saw me as a SuperPrat but it didn’t matter because Thing 1 was ecstatic and as any parent will know that’s all the matters. No Kryptonite in the world was going to change this.

As time went on and Thing 1 got older, he continued to ask me questions about my cape-flying ways. Every book we read and every toy shop we visited resulted in further recounts of embellished tales of my superhero days. To be honest, I thought that he’d outgrow it and granted I didn’t extinguish the myth but being honest, I loved it.

I loved that he was still so innocent as to think that the Dadbod standing in front of him was once Superman. My wife, the real superhero in the house, could only stand back and dream about having a husband with a six pack and bulging biceps.

Superdad

Yesterday, everything changed however.

Sitting down for dinner, I asked Thing 1 about his day. As usual, he had a great time in school and mentioned that he played superheroes with his friends. But he said that when he told his friend that I was Superman, his friend laughed at him. When asked how this made him feel he said ‘Not good’.

I looked at my Wonder Woman wife, and together our hearts sank. I’d have to tell him. I’d have to shatter my his dreams and I’d have to do it before school the next day. I felt both sadness and joy that this little boy was still so innocent that he believed everything I told him.

So this morning I faced the biggest battle of my Superhero career. I got up early with Thing 1 and as we sat together having breakfast I told him that I wasn’t Superman. I explained about the photoshopped card and that when he first saw it he was too young to understand.

He seemed to take it all in but what came out of his mouth next almost floored me…’So you were never a crime-fighter daddy?’ ‘No son I wasn’t. Does that make you sad?’ He turned away with watery eyes and proceeded to finish his Weetabix– the same Weetabix that I told him helped me with my super powers. I felt awful, and if I’m being honest I was close to tears myself.

We hugged and in fairness to the little guy, he took it in his stride and moved on pretty quickly. We went about building some Lego structures, and I withstood every urge I had to tell him that I was once a Lego character… I’ll tell him another time, I thought.

Thinking back to all the fun we had over the years discussing superhero tales and battles, I don’t think I would have changed anything. Kids are innocent and that’s one of the loveliest things about them. I genuinely felt emotional seeing Thing 1’s face change when he realised that I wasn’t the crime fighter he thought I was, but it was better he found out now than be made fun of about it in school.

This whole episode taught me a very valuable life lesson about how gullible kids are, and I’ll be extra conscious in future about the type of ‘tales’ I tell them. One thing is for sure though, I’m absolutely dreading the day that I have to tell them about the Easter Bunny.

If you have any comments I’d love to hear them

Signing off,

SuperDad

 

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Digital Dad: Things I Learned As A Parent Last Month

Dad of three. Husband of one. Master of None. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise. 

From Happy Meals and Olympic events to Febreze and ‘bags within bags’, here are a few parental learnings from the past month.

1. As far as my kids know, Happy Meals come with 5 nuggets.

2. There’s nothing like going out for lunch with your kids to remind you never to go out for lunch with your kids.

3.  Anyone who says that seeing their child enter the world was the ‘best moment of their life’ has clearly never had two bars of chocolate fall at once from a vending machine.

4.

1st baby: “Can he have this?

“Hmm let me check the salt and sugar content. Is it organic?

2nd baby“Can he have this?”

“OK but just a little bit”

3rd baby“Can he have this?”

“Yes he can have anything as long as it’s not alcohol or drugs.

5. It’s not that I hide in the bathroom per se, it’s just that I sit down and if nobody needs me I stay there.

6. If there is ever an Olympic event for kids who use a new cup every time they want a drink of water my kids would win gold.

7. The longer you’re a parent, the harder it is to get excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

8.

“They’re just at a really difficult age right now”

Translation:

*They’re little sh**s and they’ve been like this now for years. I just don’t want to admit it.*

9. Have kids if you enjoy slipping on ham, using a chisel to remove Weetabix and waiting four hours for them to zip up a coat.

10. If kids are required to do homework it should be practical stuff like cleaning their room, helping their parents to cook, learning to tie shoelaces etc.

11. My 4yo struggles to find shoes that are in front of him, but he can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 foot away.

12. I wish I loved something as much as my toddler loves touching his privates. Oh, actually…

13. One of the hardest parts about doing laundry is resisting the urge to feck it all in the bin.

14. One of the hardest parts about parenting is resisting the urge to punch them in the face. (Joke, obviously).

15. You’re never more needed and more ignored than you are as a parent.

Dad of 3. Master of None.

16. If they’re old enough to critique what you make them for lunch they’re old enough to make it themselves.

17. Febreze is the only fragrance I use these days.

18. My 4yo told me yesterday that I ruined his entire life which definitely makes him his mother’s son.

19.

4yo“Dad, when will I be a grown up?”

Me: “When you have a drawer full of grocery bags within grocery bags and a bag full of new and used batteries”

6yo: “Huh?”

20. Putting post-party kids to bed is fun if you have two and a half hours to kill.

21. 65% of parenting is feeling guilty about throwing away school work.

22. 5% of parenting is finding ways to throw away said schoolwork without your kids finding it.

23.

6yo: “Dad, can we go to Burger King?”

Me: “Maybe at the weekend but only if you can spell it for me”

6yo: “Ok….Actually let’s go to KFC instead”.

24. I banned my kids from screen time yesterday so that we could all have a miserable day. It worked.

25. Pre-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in”.

Post-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in. Please excuse the mess and ignore the smell”.

26.. If I had a euro for every time my 4yo (and my wife) didn’t listen to me I could buy a lot of wine. *

DD


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*Drink responsibly

Digital Dad: How To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.

Vigilance is a word often used when discussing parenting because the key role for any parent is to safeguard and protect your kids as best you can from the inherent dangers that life throws at them. The internet is no different.

The real world is one thing but the digital world – an ever-changing landscape – opens up your kids to a new wave of potential vulnerabilities and threats.

Instead of continually worrying about it, or worse, worrying your kids about it, my advice as a parent is to immerse yourself in the digital world, educate yourself and in-turn, educate your kids.

I’m a father of three and already I’m teaching my 5-year-old about the internet – what it is, how it works, how to use it and what’s good and bad about it – and like a sponge, he’s soaking up everything.

I believe in educating rather than scare mongering so here are some of my tips for educating and securing (as best you can) your kids online.

Kids on Smartphones

Step Into Their Digital World

Get involved – the internet is a digital playground and it’s inevitable that your kids will want to access it so find out what they are interested in and what are the best websites and apps for their respective ages and interests.

Be their co-pilot and learn about what they are doing, what they have access to, and what they like doing. Guide them and teach them about the rights, the wrongs and the dangers of using the internet and instil in them a sense of responsibility.

Show them that you are open, interested and enthusiastic about their online hobbies and interests and you’ll find that they’ll be much more responsive to you.  As they get older, let them ‘fly solo’ but frequently check in on what they are doing.They are kids after all.

Note: There’s a multitude of free parental control mobile apps available to download that protect your child from accessing potentially harmful content online.

Establish House Rules

Decide how much time you’re comfortable with your children being online and which sites or apps they may go on. I introduced mobile apps to my children when they were three.

I allow them 30 mins of shared time on my phone each day – mainly Lego, driving games and puzzles – and an hour of shared time at the weekends. This is all on the proviso that they have behaved themselves during the day and that they have completed their chores.

Talk about the rules and explain them to your children but don’t be averse to negotiation.

We do not under any circumstances allow our kids to go online unaccompanied or without our permission. We have multiple devices in our house but we have them all set to forget our Wi-Fi password so that they cannot get online without either my wife or I present.

Family Online

Teach Your Kids to Protect Their Privacy

Depending on their age, children won’t really understand the consequences of sharing or revealing personal information online. Sure even adults struggle with this so from an early age educate them on the ‘Dos and Don’ts’ of sharing information and make sure that they know the following:

  • Never to give their name, phone number, email address, password, postal address, school, or picture without your permission
  • Not to open emails from people they don’t know
  • Don’t accept friendship requests from people they don’t know
  • To verify requests if they look to be coming from someone you do know
  • Not to respond to hurtful or disturbing messages
  • Never agree to a private chat with a stranger
  • Not to arrange to meet up with anyone they “met” online.

Educate them early and educate them often.

Beware of Strangers Baring Gifts

From an early age, children understand the concept of ‘cops and robbers’ so if explained simply to them they too will understand the concept of a hacker being a type of ’burglar’ that breaks into your house via the computer rather than through the window.

My kids are too young to have email accounts – we’re still at the Jolly Phonics stage – but kids are always thought never to accept sweets, gifts or lifts from strangers so it shouldn’t be a big leap to educate them on the dangers of accepting ‘gift’s from strangers online. Gifts in this instance could be unsolicited email attachments such as viruses, worms, phishing applications and so on.

If it looks suspect then it usually is. For example, while I write this I received the following text message from ‘Irish Tax’ with an accompanying web link

Beware of scam messages such as this one
Beware of scam/fake messages such as this one

Teach Your Children to Log Out
Simple I know but you’d be amazed at how many people forget to log out of their computers. This is particularly relevant if they use a shared computer or device.

Logging out will prevent siblings or friends from posting or emailing from their account, even if it’s done as a joke.

Be Careful What You Post or Say
Children (and adults to some extent) need to remember that the online world is the real world. Just because a screen separates you from the people that you’re talking to or the sites/apps that you’re interacting with doesn’t make it any less real. Think of Donald Trump’s use of Twitter!

Teenagers, in particular, should be regularly reminded that everything they do over the internet is captured forever and could come back to haunt them at a later date. Nowadays, schools, universities, and employers look at social media profiles when researching candidates.

So make sure that your children understand from an early age that anything that is put online should assumed to be permanent.

Some Rules For Securing Yourself Online

So now that your children are online how do you protect them from hackers, cyberbullies and identity thieves? In truth, there’s no single or simple answer to this. Everything within reason can be hacked so again you just need to be vigilant and follow a few basic rules.

My advice is to put down the ‘Nasa’s Encryption Techniques for Dummies’book and focus, instead, on the mundane everyday stuff that you might not realise you should focus on.

Here are a few simple tips to get you started.

Secure Your Wi-Fi Network

Start with your entry point to the internet.

  • WiFi Encryption – First and foremost make sure you’re using WPA2 (Wi-Fi Protection Access) encryption on your Wi-Fi network. WPA2 provides government grade security by implementing various encryption algorithms. If you are using WEP security I’d recommend changing it so refer to your user manual for making the quick change.
  • Router Password – A Wi-Fi password is one thing but make sure your router is password protected too. Change the router’s default password (usually ‘password’) so that you don’t give someone access to it. With access to the router, a person could change your router settings, including viewing any security keys. Refer to your router manual for making the necessary changes.
  • Disable remote administration – If you never plan on wirelessly connecting to your router, I recommend disabling remote administration. Again, refer to your user manual for making this simple change.

Hacking

Bluetooth connections

If someone has access to an open Bluetooth connection they can potentially switch on your phone’s microphone and listen to you. Most people think that hackers have to be within a close range to do this, but in some cases, they can be within a mile radius.

Again just be vigilant. If a device that you’re paring with is giving you the standard 0000 code then it’s vulnerable. If it’s giving you a unique code then it’s a lot more secure.

Secure Nanny Cams

It’s horrible I know, but if you have an unsecured Nanny Cam (or any connected device for that matter), hackers can potentially gain access to it and spy on your little ones. According to security experts the two most commons methods of gaining access to cameras are:

  • Google Dorking – This is just using regular Google searches to find open cams. For instance, if a camera always has a public URL + camera number, hackers can run some quick queries and search for more open URLs. There’s even a search engine for internet connected devices called Shodan which has a section that lets users easily browse vulnerable webcams.
  • User Manuals – Another simple, but overlooked way to get access. Every camera owner is going to forget their password at some point, which is why manufacturers put that reset info in the manual. Now those instructions are sitting on their site waiting to be exploited.

To protect yourself from this type of hacking, look for a camera that has the following features:

  • Administration settings – Get a camera with a lot of administration settings and change the username and password as soon you set up the device.
  • Remote shutdown – Get a camera that will allow you to shut it off remotely without being physically there.
  • Private URL – Get a camera who’s URL isn’t public. If you’re able to easily watch your kid online, chances are other people can do it too.

Geotagging

Geotagging is the act of tagging your photos with geographical information about where a photo was taken.

By default, the camera application on your smartphone has the ability to add GPS coordinates to the image file so potentially this could put your children at risk. For example, let’s say you post a picture on Facebook of your child’s first day at school, a hacker can now scrape that photo for information and tell exactly where the photo was taken.

The easiest way to prevent this is to turn off or change your location settings on your phone.

Hopefully, this article has informed you of some of the risks associated with being online. Could you get hacked? Sure. Are you likely to be hacked? Not particularly but there are always opportunists waiting to strike so it’s better to be vigilant than ignorant…

Safe browsing…

DD

 

If you have any comments, tips, stories or you like/don’t like what you’re reading feel free to get in touch. Likewise, if there are any topics that you’d like me to cover please feel free to ask.

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Digital Dad: 25 Unapologetic Dad Jokes

I scoured the interweb and found a few cringe-worthy dad jokes that made me laugh. Hopefully, they’ll give you a giggle too…

1. My best mate David lost his ID. So now I call him Dav.

2. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay. The teacher woke him up

3. To the person that invented zero. Thanks for nothing.

4. I was playing chess with my friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”.

So we stopped playing…

5. What kind of lights did Noah use on his Ark? Floodlights.

6 What do you call a bear with no ears?

B

7. I always bring an extra pair of socks when I go golfing. Just in case I get a hole in one.

8. Why was the Lego man sick?

He had a blocked nose.

10. The future, the present and the past walked into a room. Things got very tense.

11. Did you hear about the paper joke?

Never mind it’s tearable.

12. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. Then I turned myself around.

13. I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.

It’s not like I have 2020 vision.

14. Don’t spell part backwards…it’s a trap.

15. A man is washing his car with his son.

The son asks, “Dad why can’t you use a sponge instead?”

16. What do you call a donkey with three legs? Wonkey

17. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

18. Did you hear the joke about unemployed people? Never mind, it doesn’t work.

19. I was walking down the road yesterday when somebody threw a block of cheese out a window.

That’s not very mature I said…

20. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

21. What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

22. What do you call a tower that can’t stand? The Eiffel Tower

23. Son: “Dad I’m cold”

Dad: “Stand in the corner of the room”

Son: “Uh. why?”

Dad: “Because it’s 90 degrees.”

24. Did you hear about the new movie ‘constipation’? It hasn’t come out yet.

25. When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

That’s all folks

If you have any dad jokes that you think can make my list, feel free to let me know below.

DD


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DON’T tell Mum – 12 Tips For Clueless Dads

It’s bad enough, but acceptable, that a baby poops its pants but to avoid you doing the same, here are a few of my tips to keep you clean and turn you into the ultimate parenting machine.

1. Try to avoid becoming ‘Flatpack Jack’.  

I was practically renting out a room in IKEA prior to Thing 1’s arrival. The amount of crap that I bought, ‘built’ and didn’t use was ridiculous (it turned out to be good firewood, though). Yes, changing tables are great, but sofas, sitting room floors and kitchen counter tops are great too and SO much more convenient.  My three boys all got changed on the floor. Shock-horror.

As a general rule of thumb, the stuff that’s fun usually isn’t necessary.

2. Don’t let her rush home from the hospital.

Hospitals have doctors, nurses, and room service. Houses have dirty plates, dirty laundry, and an unkempt man. The longer she stays in hospital the better it is for you…..Believe me.

Things will never be the same again once baby and Mum get home. Ever…Believe me.

3. Breast may be best, but formula is fine too.

Some women feel guilty for not breastfeeding. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, so support her and remind her that 1) formula is fine 2) she is fine and 3) your baby will be fine.

The downside, of course, is that you’ll be roped into nightly feeds but on the upside, you’ll have more bonding time with your kid (even though they can’t talk to you, they won’t understand you, and they’ll get sick all over you).

Flatpack Jack
Flatpack Jack

4. Accept all babysitting (and cooking) offers.

They’ll come thick and fast at first so accept as many offers as you can (lads, this can mean no cooking for a few weeks). People love babies and will be delighted to help you out so that you can grab a shower, take a nap, run away, cook a meal, contemplate your new life etc.

Minding a newborn is easy. Minding a 2-year-old not so much (bye bye offers). So take people up on all of their offers as they have a very short shelf life.

5. Point the willy DOWN.

Otherwise, you risk a leaky nappy or an unannounced shower. I’ve learned this the wet way…more than a couple of times.

DOWN. This advice is gold-en.

6. Don’t do what my Dad did.

There are two straps on a nappy so don’t end up with a Bungee Cord Nappy.

7. Scale back on the infant clothes.

Okay, I understand the compulsion (usually the mothers) to stock up on multiple versions of the same thing but lads, slip that card back into the wallet/purse and put the kibosh on it now.

People will give you lots and lots of clothes. Kids grow at a Formula One pace so don’t even take the tags off clothes until you absolutely need to because it’s probable that you’ll regift some of them.

Children, like adults, will end up wearing 10% of their clothes 90% of the time. They are dressed by adults after all.

8. Resist anything with thousands of snaps or buttons.

Snaps and buttons are the devil. The more you have to snap, the quicker you’ll snap particularly if you’re changing your wet, stinky baby at 4 in the morning. Go with elasticised trousers/pull-ups for the first few weeks.

You can thank me later.

Point the willy DOWN
Point the willy DOWN

9. Keep an emergency nappy and changing gear in the car.

Be prepared. S**t can quickly hit the fan. Backup nappies, clothes, wipes and scented nappy bags are all essential…particularly the latter unless you have a few gas masks handy.

10. Be Clark Kent.

No matter how many ‘How To Be A Parent’ videos you’ve watched on YouTube, drop the act and ask for help when you need it. Parents, relations, friends, and strangers – particularly elderly women in shops, as it turns out – will be only too happy to help you even if it is out of pure sympathy.

You’re not Superman. Sure I nearly had to call the AA the first time I tried to put our Bugaboo together.

11. Be the master of ‘Yes’.

Master your ‘yes dears’, ‘no problem love’, ‘absolutely love’, ‘you look great dear’ and most importantly ‘you are doing a great job dear’. Your job is to keep everyone sane and emotionally happy.

This is gold I’m giving you here. Gold.

12. Try To Enjoy it.

It’s exhausting, it’s stressful and it’s hard but when you see how quickly your little one changes, you’ll wonder where the time went. The first few months are the easiest –bar the sleep deprivation – as you essentially have a non-moving chirping Burrito in your house.

When Thing 1 was born I didn’t know how I’d cope but five years on and three kids later, one child just seems like a doddle.

The only constant is that everything keeps changing so get used to it and enjoy each stage.

You’re welcome.
DD