Random Things You Should Know Before Having Kids.

Here are a few random tips you should know before having kids (or having more kids):

  1. Friends without children might become distant for a while.
  2. Your conversations during pregnancy will be about pregnancy.
  3. Your conversations after birth will be about your new baby.
  4. You won’t know what you did with your time or what you talked about before you had a child.
  5. Babies’ heads are magnetically attracted to doorways or in our case coffee tables. #GluedForehead #StapledHead
  6. Never give your child a bedside glass of water unless you’re happy with taking them to the bathroom at 4 a.m.
  7. In the middle of the night you won’t care how cute a onesie is, you’ll care about haw many snaps it has.
  8. You’ll be judged more than your child will when they act up in public. This is particularly true when in restaurants and parks or on airplanes.
  9. Always make your child go to the bathroom before you leave anywhere.
  10. Time will fly by so take lots and lots of photos and videos.
  11. You’ll better understand your parents, in particular your mother.
  12. You’ll do things that your parents did, in particular your mother.
  13. Your child will watch you every day for lessons on how to be a human.
  14. If you don’t freak out when your child falls down there’s a good chance that they won’t either.
  15. Staying fit becomes a whole lot fatter harder. Hence try to keep up some sort of exercise routine.
  16. Staying awake becomes a whole lot harder.
  17. Staying asleep becomes a whole lot harder.
  18. Children have amazing memories but they cannot keep a secret.
  19. Children like to talk about boring stuff, but talking to them about it is a huge part of their development.
  20. Watching your child interact with other people when they don’t know you’re watching is great.
  21. If potty training isn’t working, it’s probably because your child isn’t ready.
  22. There’s no quicker way to make sure your child is listening than by fighting with your partner.
  23. Yelling at a child mid tantrum will usually make them worse.
  24. Children will ask for way more toys than they need. Unfortunately the same doesn’t apply to parents and money.
  25. If your child has a security blanket or a cuddly toy, buy a spare one or have a backup. We learned the hard way when a dog started dry humping our son’s bunny.
  26. Distraction will be one of your best ‘weapons’.
  27. Your tolerance for gross things will grow exponentially – my tooth recently found poo under my fingernail.
  28. Never be too cocky if your child isn’t going through the terrible twos because they might end up being a Threenager or a ‘Fournado’ (I just made that word up!).
  29. Watching your kid interact with other people when they don’t know you’re watching is great.
  30. Accept all hugs, kisses and cuddles from your child. You’ll get fewer as the years go on.
  31. You’ll try to be the best parent you can, but always remember that just keeping your child alive is a win.
  32. You will need to find the balance between getting sleep and personal time.
  33. Plan as many date nights. as you can.
  34. If your child cries when you leave them just keep on walking. They’ll eventually stop.
  35. If you don’t have one already, you’ll soon develop a DGAF attitude…and it’s great.
  36. I’ve lots more but I’m too tired from parenting…zzzzzz

DD

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Digital Dad: The Bungee Cord Nappy

I hung up. I’d have to go in. Work had called and something urgent had come up. The magic sponge of restarting the PC obviously hadn’t worked…

I had taken a ‘day off’ to mind Thing 1 who was then only 6 months old. My wife was away with the girls (hence the day off), my Mum was at golf which only left my newly retired Dad. I phoned him. He was in Lidl filling his trolley with sh*** that he didn’t need (the flippers and riding gear are still hanging up in the shed).

These stores are a daytime Mecca for retirees; You walk in aimless, walk out feeling like MacGyver.

Result, Dad could be over in 30 mins. I fed Thing 1, quickly got changed and bang on schedule the doorbell rang. “You’re a lifesaver”, I said as I opened the door to be presented with newly purchased wellies for a child who wouldn’t learn to walk for another 8 months. Thing 1 grew into them two years later.

I had taken a ‘day off’ to mind Thing 1 who was then only 6 months old.

I’ll be honest, my Dad wouldn’t have been my first choice to mind Thing 1. Not that he’s incapable – quite the opposite as it turns out now – but he’s old school.  Like many men of his generation, he was the breadwinner,  the worker, not the stay-at-homer.

He provided for the family; brought us on trips, played with all of us, cheered from the sidelines, showed us how to do things, make things, mend things etc. But a homemaker and babysitter he was not.

I told him that I’d only be a couple of hours and I showed him where everything was and suggested that he take Thing 1 for a walk in the buggy as he’d most likely ‘conk’ out after just being fed. As I looked at my Dad I sensed the trepidation. He’d always been fine holding the baby and playing with him but minding a child on your own, especially one that young is a daunting enough task for anyone. “It’ll be grand” (I tend to say this a lot). His biggest fear was the nappy change. I’ll be honest it’s probably still my biggest fear. Not necessarily changing it but the ‘Kinder Surprise’ element of it…never knowing exactly what you might find inside.

Dad had never changed one. “It’ll be grand” I said. “I’ve just changed him so he should be good, but if not here’s how to do it”. I demonstrated quickly and bailed.

I left it an hour and phoned him. They were back from their walk but there was panic in his voice. Thing 1 was crying in the background, Dad was talking to Mum on Skype via my laptop (a job in itself) and he was telling me that all was OK and he was in the process of changing Thing 1’s nappy.

This wasn’t a three person job (or even a two person job) so I hung up.

I got home a couple of hours later. What greeted me was a trembling wreck but a smiling face none the less. Dad wasn’t bad either. He was chuffed with himself, and rightly so. He had successfully babysat, made a coffee, eaten most of the Jaffa Cakes and had mastered the art of holding down two conversations at once while changing his first nappy.

“You can do it again so”, I said. Never have I seen a grown man grab a coat and exit a building as fast as he did that day.

He’s not aware of this (yet) but after he left I picked up Thing 1 to make sure that he still had all his fingers and toes. Something didn’t look right and something didn’t feel right. I held Thing 1 in my outstretched arms and noticed that he had a somewhat bloated midriff.

I stripped him down to see what the problem was. In the panic of changing the nappy and holding down the two conversations, Dad aka. Mr Multitasker had somehow missed that there were two adhesive strips on the nappy, one at each side. On not seeing this he proceeded to pull one strip all the way over to the other side of the nappy as if fitting the baby with a corset. Don’t ask me how the strip didn’t break and don’t ask me how he managed to do it but he did. It was like something from a Rowan Atkinson script.

Poor Thing 1 must have thought he was an extra on Downton Abbey. The poor sod had been this way for a couple of hours. MacGyver me arse, MacBean more like…

DD

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Ps. No kids were harmed in the making of this story.

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Fathers Know Best – Epic Dad Fails

Becoming a father doesn’t always mean growing up, hence It’s often acknowledged that leaving dad at home alone with the kids is just asking for trouble!

In advance of Father’s Day, check out some of these images and videos from the web that prove an unsupervised dad plus a bunch of small children can often result in some terrible yet funny ideas.

1. While Mums Away

Harley Baby


2. Snowball Fight

Snowball Fight


3. My Little Kiwi

Kiwi Baby


4. A Birthday Surprise

Birthday


5. Road Rage

Baby Driving


6. First photo, first injury

Phone Me


7. Bum deal

Bum Deal


8. Sit up

Sit Down


9. Parenting 101

Dad Swing


10. Believe me, that’s gotta hurt

Oh Balls


11. Pass The Parcel

Baby Throw


12. The Ghostbuster

Baby Throw


13. Say Ahhhh

Leaf Blower


14. Tractor Time

Tractor Time


15. Plunged

Plunged


16. Dad Goals

Goal


17. Multitasking

Multitasking


18. Slideaway

Swimtime


19. Trolley Baby

Trolley Baby


20. First flight

First Flight


21. Bubble Baby

Bathtime


22. Sports Dad

Sports Dad


 23. Target Practice

Target Practice


24. A Father’s Day car-d

Love You Daddy


Check out some of these funny Dad Fail videos. 

Happy Father’s Day.

DD

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Dear Dad: A Message From My 6-Month Old. Part 2

Dear Big Person,

Thanks for taking on board some of the issues I mentioned in my last message. Your stale breath has slightly improved and I’m glad to see that there were no ‘nappy nugget’ incidents last week.

While I lie on my back I have a good deal of time to ponder about things so I’ve put together a few more bugbears that I hope you’ll be able to help me with…

1. Can you remember to clean in between the creases of my chubby legs. I found a raisin in one of them yesterday. At least I think it was a raisin, same colour but ‘twas very very soft.

2. That long necked thing that you guys call Sophie, any chance you could get it to stop squeaking? I’m continually biting it but it won’t shut up.

3. Heads up that when Mummy tells you that she didn’t know I had a ‘pooey’ nappy, she’s lying. She often sniffs down there, calls you and then pretends to get a phone call from somebody important.

4. I may only be starting to rollover but I’m no fool. Just because you turn over the mattress doesn’t mean I can’t still smell the vomit.

6. Speaking of rolling over, those Lego pieces are a bit hard on these young gums. It might be advisable to move them out of my way. I’m happy enough with the stale Liga I randomly find under the couch however.

5. Mummy has mentioned this to you several times but can I remind you to use the vests from the top drawer rather than the bottom drawer which are now 3 months old.  My bum isn’t meant to squeak every time I move and I’m sure my ‘wiggly thing’ is meant to have room to wiggle.

7. NO NO NO. Don’t ever put one of those winter snow suit thingys on me again. They look ridiculous and we don’t live in the arctic. I’ll be the laughing stock of crèche. Lilly with the one tooth has already had a snigger.

8. You might want to get the floorboard fixed. I hear it every time you try to sneak out of my room. I keep screaming at you but you don’t seem to understand.

9. If you can’t be bothered to cut my nails then face the consequences. It’s not my fault.

10. Same goes for Mummy and Thing 2’s hair; if it dangles I’m going to grab it. Get me some better toys and I might not be so entertained by their screams.

Nappy Nuggets

11. Any chance of a bonjela drip? These gums are killing me.

12. That activity centre gives me a right old wedgie. Best not to put me in it until my feet actually touch the ground.

13. Don’t mind Mummy, I’ve no issue with staying in my pyjamas all day. I’m happy to follow in your footsteps.

14. If you don’t like seeing the spaghetti race down the wall then stop moaning and move my feeding chair away from the walls.  What did you expect?

15. I’ve never seen you eat with a shovel so can you do me a favour and revert back to using the small spoons when feeding me. I’m starting to look like the ‘The Joker’.

16. Sippy cups? Sippy cups? Honestly how old do you think I am? I’ve only just mastered the full fist in mouth, give me a few weeks will ye.

17. I know I take an age to eat my dinner but when it goes cold could you heat it up again? I never see you tucking into a cold Sheppard’s pPe or Bolognese?

18. Do you know how unnerving it is to know that somebody is staring over my cot while I’m pretending to be asleep? If you really need to do it then go to Dublin Zoo.

19. Don’t you love when somebody puts a clothes peg on your nose? No I didn’t think so, so will you relax when wiping my nose and ‘squeezing’ every last big of gunge out of it.

20. Nappy rash is bad enough but stubble rash is just taking the piss. Please shave before you insist on kissing me.

Thanks. Thing 3 xoxo

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Dear Dad: A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 1

Dear Big Person,

You’re the first dad I’ve ever had and so far you seem to be OK at it. That said I’ve nothing to compare you against so if it’s not too much trouble I’d appreciate if you could take the time to read some of my bugbears below….they’d make my life a whole lot better.

1. Please brush your teeth before kissing me in the morning. It smells worse than my nappy.

2. Don’t be a lazy toad, put the nappy cream on me every time. We’ll see how you like it in your old age.

3. Eh, you can quit with the airplane feeding game. It’s well run its course. Just feed me and shut up.

4. And if I don’t like the food, I don’t like the food. Get over it.

5. I hope the wheels on the bus fall off so you can stop singing that annoying song.

6. Can you do me a favour and quit putting your thumb in your mouth and then wiping my face with it. It stinks. Have ever wondered why I keep throwing my soother out of the cot? Karma sucks baby. Pardon the pun.

7. Can you tell the other two small people to wipe their noses before they decide to kiss, cuddle and ultimately gunge me. Or better yet, do it for them. Cheers.

8. I kind of like my toes, especially putting them in my mouth from time to time so if my shoes no longer fit, they no longer fit. Square peg, round hole. Alright?

9. By the way, it’s your own fault if you keep throwing me up in the air after I’ve just eaten.

10. If you don’t like my ‘nappy nuggets’ falling onto the ground then refrain from chasing the other two small people around house with the nappy. That’s fear in their voices, not laughter.

That's My Teddy

11. If you insist on moaning every time water sprays out of my ‘wiggly thing’ then stop chatting to me and making stupid noises while you’re changing me. Duh.

12. Can you tell the older woman in the tablet to stop singing songs every time she sees me? You don’t see me crying before she starts do you?

13. Listen I know we don’t live in subtropical climate but we’re not in the North Pole either so do me a favour and relax with the number of layers you put on me…especially given that you insist on further wrapping me in blankets when we go out. That redness on my face is heat not constipation.

14. The vibration on my chair has an off button so can you please use it every now and again? It’s nice to enjoy a ’melty puff’ in peace without trying to guess which way my hand will move.

15. While you’re at it, relax with the nappy straps; they don’t need to be that tight.

16. Listen if you insist on so much tummy time, I’ll have to insist on face-planting to make you stop. Agreed?

17. Do you have any idea how boring it is sitting with my back to you and staring at the food-stained seat while we drive? When can you turn me around? Also, there’s a whiff of urine off the seat, did the two small people have it before me?

18. And do you really have to turn on that mobile above my cot every time? Really? It’s doing my head in and the tunes are so 3-months-old.

19. Just a heads up that Granddad 1 doesn’t know how to hold me properly. I think we’re both scared when he picks me up.

20. Oh and by the way, Mummy spilled the drink on the new couch, not Thing 2. I notice that she tells you stuff like that a lot.

Thanks, Thing 3

Ps. Do the above and I’ll continue to let you use me as a scapegoat for your flatulence.

A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 2