Things I Learned As A Parent Last Week

1. Last weekend I made slime for the first time.

2. Last weekend I made slime for the last time.

3. You know you’re a parent when you start whispering “for fuck’s sake” every time someone calls your name.

4. I say “I don’t know” a lot when I do in fact ‘know’ a lot.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, take a deep breath and ask them another 249 times.

6. Your spouse won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.

7. I’m now at the stage where I’m getting up at the time I used to go to bed at on weekends.

8. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to push a buggy with one hand.

9. Before remarking “he’s gone down well tonight” always check that the baby monitor is turned on.

10. We teach our kids not to lie but then 30 seconds later we tell them their picture is great

11. If you yell “what are you up to?” and your children say “nothing” that’s code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”.

12. Myself and the kids are never more nervous than when we insist we can’t find something and my wife goes to look for it herself.

13. You haven’t really been patronised until a 7yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back.

14. You don’t need fun to have alcohol.

15. If you make eye contact with a child on the verge of sleep you’re f**ked.

16. My toddler’s superpower is to eat half a banana and make it disappear

17. I miss the days of skipping pages when readinga story to my kids.

18. ‘Who’s poo is this?’ is something I say now.

19. My wife calls it yelling. I call it motivational speaking.

20. The grass is often greener because it’s fake.

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tks
DD

Digital Dad: Things I Learned As A Parent Last Month

Dad of three. Husband of one. Master of None. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise. 

From Happy Meals and Olympic events to Febreze and ‘bags within bags’, here are a few parental learnings from the past month.

1. As far as my kids know, Happy Meals come with 5 nuggets.

2. There’s nothing like going out for lunch with your kids to remind you never to go out for lunch with your kids.

3.  Anyone who says that seeing their child enter the world was the ‘best moment of their life’ has clearly never had two bars of chocolate fall at once from a vending machine.

4.

1st baby: “Can he have this?

“Hmm let me check the salt and sugar content. Is it organic?

2nd baby“Can he have this?”

“OK but just a little bit”

3rd baby“Can he have this?”

“Yes he can have anything as long as it’s not alcohol or drugs.

5. It’s not that I hide in the bathroom per se, it’s just that I sit down and if nobody needs me I stay there.

6. If there is ever an Olympic event for kids who use a new cup every time they want a drink of water my kids would win gold.

7. The longer you’re a parent, the harder it is to get excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

8.

“They’re just at a really difficult age right now”

Translation:

*They’re little sh**s and they’ve been like this now for years. I just don’t want to admit it.*

9. Have kids if you enjoy slipping on ham, using a chisel to remove Weetabix and waiting four hours for them to zip up a coat.

10. If kids are required to do homework it should be practical stuff like cleaning their room, helping their parents to cook, learning to tie shoelaces etc.

11. My 4yo struggles to find shoes that are in front of him, but he can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 foot away.

12. I wish I loved something as much as my toddler loves touching his privates. Oh, actually…

13. One of the hardest parts about doing laundry is resisting the urge to feck it all in the bin.

14. One of the hardest parts about parenting is resisting the urge to punch them in the face. (Joke, obviously).

15. You’re never more needed and more ignored than you are as a parent.

Dad of 3. Master of None.

16. If they’re old enough to critique what you make them for lunch they’re old enough to make it themselves.

17. Febreze is the only fragrance I use these days.

18. My 4yo told me yesterday that I ruined his entire life which definitely makes him his mother’s son.

19.

4yo“Dad, when will I be a grown up?”

Me: “When you have a drawer full of grocery bags within grocery bags and a bag full of new and used batteries”

6yo: “Huh?”

20. Putting post-party kids to bed is fun if you have two and a half hours to kill.

21. 65% of parenting is feeling guilty about throwing away school work.

22. 5% of parenting is finding ways to throw away said schoolwork without your kids finding it.

23.

6yo: “Dad, can we go to Burger King?”

Me: “Maybe at the weekend but only if you can spell it for me”

6yo: “Ok….Actually let’s go to KFC instead”.

24. I banned my kids from screen time yesterday so that we could all have a miserable day. It worked.

25. Pre-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in”.

Post-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in. Please excuse the mess and ignore the smell”.

26.. If I had a euro for every time my 4yo (and my wife) didn’t listen to me I could buy a lot of wine. *

DD


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*Drink responsibly

Funny Homework Fails. The Future is in Good Hands!

Kids not only saying the strangest things they’ve also been know to write them down too…

My 5-year-old is starting to get homework and to say that some of his written thoughts are unique would be an understatement.

So much so, I decided to scour the interweb to get an idea of some of the unique and funny things that children have written in their homework.

Here’s a snapshot of what I found…

1. Out of the mouth of babes…*

Source: Pinterest

2. There’s no flies on this kid.

Source: Reddit

3. It’s not wrong.

Source: Reddit

4. Buoyancy concerns.

Source: Pinterest

5.  Can’t argue with that logic.

Source: imgur

6. The Terminator. Yikes. Do not try this at home.

Some eyebrow raising homework

7. There’s nothing wrong with their maths.

Source: Pinterest

8. Poor Mrs Thompson.

Source: imgur

9. At least they know their anatomy.

source: Reddit

10. I think we all felt this about homework.

Source: Pinterest

11. Survival of the fittest.

Source: Redditt

12. The next Carrie Bradshaw?

Source: imgur

13. Godspeed.

Source: Pinterest

14. Father Figure.

Source: Reddit

15. Tony has a serious flattop going on!

Source: imgur

16. Thanks for keeping me alive mom.

Source: Pinterest

17. Blunt problem solving.

Source: Reddit

18. Lola loves pizza.

Source: imgur

19. At least it’s not as bad as secondary smoke.

Source: Pinterest

20. Eye spy.

Source: Pinterest

If you have any homework fails that you’d like to share with me, feel free to comment/submit them below.

Thanks

DD

*drinkaware.ie


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