Pinocchio Parenting: The Lies We Tell Our Kids

I’m a good parent and I lie to my kids. Lying isn’t what makes me a good parent, but it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad one either.

The truth is, everybody lies. Toddlers, teenagers and adults – we all lie. Think about it, you even lie to your own kids you know you do. If you say you don’t, you’re lying!

We lie to our children for a multitude of reasons; we want to protect them, or we don’t always know the right answer, or we’re just lazy or we’re just having some fun. The latter backfired on me recently.

Obviously, there’s a difference between little white lies and lying to kids specifically to hurt them. The former is the result of taking care of the small people we love but who inevitably drive you to your breaking point and threaten to send you over the edge. [The latter, we don’t even go there.]

So, with that mind, here are some common lies Reddit and Pinterest users have heard parents tell their kids. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

1.“The ice cream van only plays music when he runs out of ice cream.”

2. “My dad told me the rumble strips on the highway were for blind drivers.”

3. “Your mom and I were just…em, wrestling.”

4. “If you don’t behave in the drive-thru you’ll get a Sad Meal.”

5. “Smoke detectors are actually Santa-cams.”

6. “My dad told me people only get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, ‘Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.'”

Little white lies...
Little white lies…

7. “If you pee in a pool, there’s a special dye that will turn it red so that everybody knows.”

8. “If you lie a red dot appears on your forehead that only parents can see. It only goes away when you tell the truth.”

 9. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.”

10. “When I was a kid my parents warned me that if I pressed the ‘reset’ button on the power outlet the house would explode.”

11. “You’ll have to drive a little Smart car if you don’t eat your vegetables because you’ll be too little for a big car.”

12. “We’re not French so we can’t eat the French Fries in McDonalds.”

13. “The tooth fairy won’t come if your room is messy.”

14.  “If I didn’t sit still during a haircut, the barber would cut my ear off. The worst part was that the barber would play along.”

15.  “We have to leave the zoo now. The zookeeper called my cellphone and your crying is upsetting the animals.”

16. “We’re going to bed now, too.”

17. “I’m leaving without you.”

18. “When I was little my Dad told me that toys grew under the weeds in the yard and if I pulled them, eventually a toy would pop out. And I believed it for a long time…”

19. “The car won’t start unless everyone is buckled in.”

20. “We’re almost there.”

21. “I want to carry you but the doctor said your legs would stop growing if you didn’t walk.”

22. “Our fish went to live with their friends in the ocean.”

23. “My father always said the animals on the side of the road were just taking a nap because the road was warm.”

24. “My son was 8 before he knew that football games on school nights had a second half. I always sent him to bed at halftime.”

25. “When we go on a road trip I’m going to tell my kids, ‘If you go to sleep, we’ll take the shortcut.'”

26. “We got our daughter to eat fish by calling it ‘Argentinian Chicken’. That worked for a long time until grandma came along and messed it up.”

27. “Parents used to tell my only brother and I that we used to have another brother who turned into a mushroom from not taking a bath. Even added him to the family albums.”

28. “My dad said if I could look after a special growing rock, and watered it each day until it stopped growing I could get a dog. I’d water it and every week, while I was at school he’d replace it with a slightly bigger rock.”

29. “The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said: ‘Don’t go near those son…those are bear eggs…'”

30. “That drawing is fantastic.”

31. “I’ve got eyes on the back of my head.”

32. “We’ll come back later and buy it.”

33. “If you have the lights on in the car at night, the police will pull us over.”

34. “If you don’t wipe your bum properly, it’ll close up and you’ll have to spit out your poop.”

35. “My dad told me oil stains on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street.”

36. “To keep my sister and I busy my mom would tell us if we could kiss our elbow we would turn into the opposite sex..”

37. “Burger King is for royalty.”

Have you any funny lies that you were told when you were young? Do you tell lies to your kids? Comment below.


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Digital Dad: 24 (more) unapologetic Dad Jokes.

I scoured the interweb again and found a few more cringe-worthy dad jokes that made me laugh. Hopefully, they’ll give you a laugh too

1. Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

2. I went to a book shop and asked the lady for a book about turtles.

“Hardback?” she asked.

“Yes, and small heads”, I said.

3. What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk? An udder failure.

4. What jam can’t you eat?


5. What did the casket say to the other sick casket?
Is that you coffin?

6. “Dad you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?”.

What a strange way to start a conversation I thought.

7. What starts with E, ends with E and only contains one letter?
An Envelope.

8. What did the police say when they raided a seafood restaurant?

Don’t move a mussel.

9. A friend of mine lost his job at the mint factory….
his wife went absolutely menthol.

10. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

11. Never trust someone with graph paper.
They’re always plotting something.

12. The police were called to my son’s creche yesterday because a 3yo was resisting a rest.

13. How do you get rid of an itch? Start from scratch.

14. Dad: Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist.

Son: Was it something I said?

Dad: Em, yes.

15. Dad, how do I look?
With your eyes son, with your eyes.

16. Apparently 5 out of 4 parents struggle with their children’s maths homework.

17. Did you hear what happened to the chef? He pasta way.

18. My son said to me, what rhymes with orange?

I said, no it doesn’t

19. What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?

20. Google is useless sometimes.

I looked up lighters and all I got was 10,000 matches.

21. Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note saying ‘parking fine’.

22. 6.30 is hands down the best time on a clock.

23. I just made up a word. Plagiarism.

24. Don’t you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

For more laughs check out my Facebook page