THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT (PT 3)

1. I’m half tempted to create an ‘Unboxing dinner’ video on YouTube so that my kids will eat the bloody food.
2. I’d love to calculate how much time I’ve spent looking for something I know I’ve already thrown away.

3. Raisins, or as I commonly refer to them as, ‘my favourite little box of shut the f*ck up’.

4. My kids moan if they have the same dinner 2 days in a row yet they’ll happily have the same cereal everyday of their lives.

5. If you want your kids to do almost anything just tell them that it’s bedtime.

6. The only thing I want to try in the bedroom these days is 8 hours sleep.

7. Wouldn’t it be great if you could tap your kids to see how long is left when they are telling you a story, similar to when you tap the screen on a YouTube video

8. Apparently no one calls more than a husband doing the grocery shop.

9. I agree with my kids a lot just so they will stop talking.

10. What doesn’t kill you DOESN”T actually make you stronger; It wakes you up by jumping on your head, telling you that they’ve wet the bed and that they want breakfast.

I1. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be moaned at in surround sound, I recommend having 3 kids (and 1 wife).

12. Nothing ever good comes of a conversation that begins with “Dad are you in a good mood?”

13. DD Tip: Take your kid’s ‘artwork’ to work and throw it away there. That way you’ll never get caught throwing it away at home.

14. My kids go through more toilet roll than an Abracadabra jacks.

15. Yesterday I pressed the pedestrian crossing button right in front of my kids just to remind them who’s in charge. That’s how petty I am.

16. Don’t give your kids a Granola bar before bringing them to the dentist….NOT impressed.

17. I poured boiling water on my hand the other day – I wasn’t trying to – and the first thing I heard was ‘Daddy can I have a snack?’….He chewed on that bandage for a good 5 minutes.

18. I often wish there was a drive-thru for everything.

19. I’m now at the stage where I wish that I can sleep when I can’t and I’m no longer able to sleep when I can.

20. If you’re ever concerned about your kid’s hearing, just open a bag of crisps from another room.

21. My toddler should write a book called “Why one sock is better than two”.

22. My 4yo should write a book called “Why I never wait for the sun to come up”

23. My 6yo should write a book called “Why I want to be a Lego Master Builder”

24. Lego should invent a Lego hoover that parents can use to hoover up Lego.

25. A walk in the park is not a walk in the park.

26.Tetris and Tupperware drawers are pretty much one and the same.

27. What doesn’t kill you DOESN”T actually make you stronger; It wakes you up by jumping on your head, telling you that they’ve wet the bed and that they want breakfast. #GoodMorningThing2

28. I’m inventing a ‘Sock Lock’ that prevents toddlers from pulling off their socks and chewing on them. Hit me up if you want to invest.

29. Regardless of how tired you are, check that the sticker is off the apple before you scoff it down.

30. “DAAAAD. HELP. It just came out”. What I didn’t want to hear (or see) when i walked into the bathroom at 3.37am last night.

31. I’m convinced that my 4-year-old is trying to disprove the scripture that ‘man cannot live on bread alone’. #ChallengeAccepted

32. ‘Ugh I hate broccoli’. Yet he’ll eat freshly picked snot no problem.

33. Co-sleeping; what a load of s***.
—->(1) nobody bloody sleeps and
—>(2) it’s more like snow plowing, given how much I have to shift both kid and wife over to their side.

34. Although frowned up, it;s not illegal to call a toddler an asshole.

DD

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My Camp Friends

Bags packed and off we went….
So apart from last week’s Lego River incident, I deemed the backyard camping experience a success so I decided to bite the bullet and expose Thing 1 & Thing 2 to the harsh realities of ‘proper’ outdoor camping – a campsite with running water, toilets, showers, electricity, an onsite restaurant, a shop, a playground and a football pitch….I wasn’t sure how we’d survive.
The promise of camping was with the proviso that it wouldn’t be raining on Saturday and that the boys would be good all week – a useful ‘threat’ that I used all week to get them to bed on time.

Needless to say on Friday night their excitement was palpable and some 45 minutes after putting the boys down I heard what sounded like two Chipmunks giggling upstairs. I walked into their room half expecting to see flying underpants or fists but found them sitting like two bold altar boys, wishing and praying for dry weather, holding their respective soft toys, Bunny and Neem. The latter a toy sheep bought in Sneem last summer after ‘Chubby Bunny’ had escaped the buggy, only to be found later that day being dry-humped by a local dog on the Sneem to Catherdaniel road. Thing 2 hasn’t looked at dogs quite the same way since.

I almost melted. I knew we’d be going but I also knew that I’d be up at ‘Santa O’Clock’ in the morning at this rate.

We set off, packed to the rafters like the Beverly Hillbillies – tent (too small), duvets (bad choice), sweets, marshmallows, sweets, marshmallows, sweets, marshm… – headed for Wexford. The journey would only last one and a half hours but the steady mix of infant songs (Five little speckled frogs sat on a speckled log….Miss Molly had a doily that was sick, sick, sick) interrupted by the steady flow of ‘Are-we-there-yets?’  had me nearly breaking the speed limit.

I had begged invited some of my friends to come along with us and much to my surprise 6 of the ’lads’ accompanied by their eldest kids (13 in total) duly obliged. It was turning into a mini EP-n (Every Parent’s Nightmare)!

We arrived at Curracloe Campsite (excellent choice and well well worth the visit folks) and set up camp. The weather was fantastic (no risk of snow) and all of the kids had a great time interacting and playing together. I had brought a fire pit with us and after the sun had set, the marshmallows came out and we toasted and toasted and toasted to our heart’s content. The kids were in heaven but getting them down proved to be hell.

The trip wasn’t all about the kids however. As most parents will know, it’s often difficult to maintain an active social life what with the stresses and strains that come with raising kids, not to mention everyday life. In our house, we try to live by the ideology that the kids will adapt to our lifestyle and not the other way around (within reason of course) and so as parents we make a concerted effort to meet up with friends and go out as often as we can.

This trip was just that, 7 lads getting away to spend time with their kids while enjoying the banter with each other. It was great and something that we said we would do again next year with our respective partners and the other kids that were just a bit too young this time around.

Since I became a parent 5 years ago, time just seems to be zipping by so I’m more conscious than ever to enjoy every minute both with my family and my friends (I can almost hear your collective vomiting aww’s from here)

It wasn’t all plain sailing unfortunately. I made one epic mistake over the weekend. I came home to my eternally shattered wife – who is breastfeeding Thing 3 – only to ask her ‘how her weekend off was’. This did not go down well. I tried to blame my stupidity on marshmallow intoxication and smoke inhalation but while I stood there digging a large hole with a large shovel the first nappy hit my face….

DD

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