Dear Dad: A Message From My 6-Month Old. Part 2

Dear Big Person,

Thanks for taking on board some of the issues I mentioned in my last message. Your stale breath has slightly improved and I’m glad to see that there were no ‘nappy nugget’ incidents last week.

While I lie on my back I have a good deal of time to ponder about things so I’ve put together a few more bugbears that I hope you’ll be able to help me with…

1. Can you remember to clean in between the creases of my chubby legs. I found a raisin in one of them yesterday. At least I think it was a raisin, same colour but ‘twas very very soft.

2. That long necked thing that you guys call Sophie, any chance you could get it to stop squeaking? I’m continually biting it but it won’t shut up.

3. Heads up that when Mummy tells you that she didn’t know I had a ‘pooey’ nappy, she’s lying. She often sniffs down there, calls you and then pretends to get a phone call from somebody important.

4. I may only be starting to rollover but I’m no fool. Just because you turn over the mattress doesn’t mean I can’t still smell the vomit.

6. Speaking of rolling over, those Lego pieces are a bit hard on these young gums. It might be advisable to move them out of my way. I’m happy enough with the stale Liga I randomly find under the couch however.

5. Mummy has mentioned this to you several times but can I remind you to use the vests from the top drawer rather than the bottom drawer which are now 3 months old.  My bum isn’t meant to squeak every time I move and I’m sure my ‘wiggly thing’ is meant to have room to wiggle.

7. NO NO NO. Don’t ever put one of those winter snow suit thingys on me again. They look ridiculous and we don’t live in the arctic. I’ll be the laughing stock of crèche. Lilly with the one tooth has already had a snigger.

8. You might want to get the floorboard fixed. I hear it every time you try to sneak out of my room. I keep screaming at you but you don’t seem to understand.

9. If you can’t be bothered to cut my nails then face the consequences. It’s not my fault.

10. Same goes for Mummy and Thing 2’s hair; if it dangles I’m going to grab it. Get me some better toys and I might not be so entertained by their screams.

Nappy Nuggets

11. Any chance of a bonjela drip? These gums are killing me.

12. That activity centre gives me a right old wedgie. Best not to put me in it until my feet actually touch the ground.

13. Don’t mind Mummy, I’ve no issue with staying in my pyjamas all day. I’m happy to follow in your footsteps.

14. If you don’t like seeing the spaghetti race down the wall then stop moaning and move my feeding chair away from the walls.  What did you expect?

15. I’ve never seen you eat with a shovel so can you do me a favour and revert back to using the small spoons when feeding me. I’m starting to look like the ‘The Joker’.

16. Sippy cups? Sippy cups? Honestly how old do you think I am? I’ve only just mastered the full fist in mouth, give me a few weeks will ye.

17. I know I take an age to eat my dinner but when it goes cold could you heat it up again? I never see you tucking into a cold Sheppard’s pPe or Bolognese?

18. Do you know how unnerving it is to know that somebody is staring over my cot while I’m pretending to be asleep? If you really need to do it then go to Dublin Zoo.

19. Don’t you love when somebody puts a clothes peg on your nose? No I didn’t think so, so will you relax when wiping my nose and ‘squeezing’ every last big of gunge out of it.

20. Nappy rash is bad enough but stubble rash is just taking the piss. Please shave before you insist on kissing me.

Thanks. Thing 3 xoxo

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Dear Dad: A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 1

Dear Big Person,

You’re the first dad I’ve ever had and so far you seem to be OK at it. That said I’ve nothing to compare you against so if it’s not too much trouble I’d appreciate if you could take the time to read some of my bugbears below….they’d make my life a whole lot better.

1. Please brush your teeth before kissing me in the morning. It smells worse than my nappy.

2. Don’t be a lazy toad, put the nappy cream on me every time. We’ll see how you like it in your old age.

3. Eh, you can quit with the airplane feeding game. It’s well run its course. Just feed me and shut up.

4. And if I don’t like the food, I don’t like the food. Get over it.

5. I hope the wheels on the bus fall off so you can stop singing that annoying song.

6. Can you do me a favour and quit putting your thumb in your mouth and then wiping my face with it. It stinks. Have ever wondered why I keep throwing my soother out of the cot? Karma sucks baby. Pardon the pun.

7. Can you tell the other two small people to wipe their noses before they decide to kiss, cuddle and ultimately gunge me. Or better yet, do it for them. Cheers.

8. I kind of like my toes, especially putting them in my mouth from time to time so if my shoes no longer fit, they no longer fit. Square peg, round hole. Alright?

9. By the way, it’s your own fault if you keep throwing me up in the air after I’ve just eaten.

10. If you don’t like my ‘nappy nuggets’ falling onto the ground then refrain from chasing the other two small people around house with the nappy. That’s fear in their voices, not laughter.

That's My Teddy

11. If you insist on moaning every time water sprays out of my ‘wiggly thing’ then stop chatting to me and making stupid noises while you’re changing me. Duh.

12. Can you tell the older woman in the tablet to stop singing songs every time she sees me? You don’t see me crying before she starts do you?

13. Listen I know we don’t live in subtropical climate but we’re not in the North Pole either so do me a favour and relax with the number of layers you put on me…especially given that you insist on further wrapping me in blankets when we go out. That redness on my face is heat not constipation.

14. The vibration on my chair has an off button so can you please use it every now and again? It’s nice to enjoy a ’melty puff’ in peace without trying to guess which way my hand will move.

15. While you’re at it, relax with the nappy straps; they don’t need to be that tight.

16. Listen if you insist on so much tummy time, I’ll have to insist on face-planting to make you stop. Agreed?

17. Do you have any idea how boring it is sitting with my back to you and staring at the food-stained seat while we drive? When can you turn me around? Also, there’s a whiff of urine off the seat, did the two small people have it before me?

18. And do you really have to turn on that mobile above my cot every time? Really? It’s doing my head in and the tunes are so 3-months-old.

19. Just a heads up that Granddad 1 doesn’t know how to hold me properly. I think we’re both scared when he picks me up.

20. Oh and by the way, Mummy spilled the drink on the new couch, not Thing 2. I notice that she tells you stuff like that a lot.

Thanks, Thing 3

Ps. Do the above and I’ll continue to let you use me as a scapegoat for your flatulence.

A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 2

DON’T tell Mum – 12 Tips For Clueless Dads

It’s bad enough, but acceptable, that a baby poops its pants but to avoid you doing the same, here are a few of my tips to keep you clean and turn you into the ultimate parenting machine.

1. Try to avoid becoming ‘Flatpack Jack’.  

I was practically renting out a room in IKEA prior to Thing 1’s arrival. The amount of crap that I bought, ‘built’ and didn’t use was ridiculous (it turned out to be good firewood, though). Yes, changing tables are great, but sofas, sitting room floors and kitchen counter tops are great too and SO much more convenient.  My three boys all got changed on the floor. Shock-horror.

As a general rule of thumb, the stuff that’s fun usually isn’t necessary.

2. Don’t let her rush home from the hospital.

Hospitals have doctors, nurses, and room service. Houses have dirty plates, dirty laundry, and an unkempt man. The longer she stays in hospital the better it is for you…..Believe me.

Things will never be the same again once baby and Mum get home. Ever…Believe me.

3. Breast may be best, but formula is fine too.

Some women feel guilty for not breastfeeding. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, so support her and remind her that 1) formula is fine 2) she is fine and 3) your baby will be fine.

The downside, of course, is that you’ll be roped into nightly feeds but on the upside, you’ll have more bonding time with your kid (even though they can’t talk to you, they won’t understand you, and they’ll get sick all over you).

Flatpack Jack
Flatpack Jack

4. Accept all babysitting (and cooking) offers.

They’ll come thick and fast at first so accept as many offers as you can (lads, this can mean no cooking for a few weeks). People love babies and will be delighted to help you out so that you can grab a shower, take a nap, run away, cook a meal, contemplate your new life etc.

Minding a newborn is easy. Minding a 2-year-old not so much (bye bye offers). So take people up on all of their offers as they have a very short shelf life.

5. Point the willy DOWN.

Otherwise, you risk a leaky nappy or an unannounced shower. I’ve learned this the wet way…more than a couple of times.

DOWN. This advice is gold-en.

6. Don’t do what my Dad did.

There are two straps on a nappy so don’t end up with a Bungee Cord Nappy.

7. Scale back on the infant clothes.

Okay, I understand the compulsion (usually the mothers) to stock up on multiple versions of the same thing but lads, slip that card back into the wallet/purse and put the kibosh on it now.

People will give you lots and lots of clothes. Kids grow at a Formula One pace so don’t even take the tags off clothes until you absolutely need to because it’s probable that you’ll regift some of them.

Children, like adults, will end up wearing 10% of their clothes 90% of the time. They are dressed by adults after all.

8. Resist anything with thousands of snaps or buttons.

Snaps and buttons are the devil. The more you have to snap, the quicker you’ll snap particularly if you’re changing your wet, stinky baby at 4 in the morning. Go with elasticised trousers/pull-ups for the first few weeks.

You can thank me later.

Point the willy DOWN
Point the willy DOWN

9. Keep an emergency nappy and changing gear in the car.

Be prepared. S**t can quickly hit the fan. Backup nappies, clothes, wipes and scented nappy bags are all essential…particularly the latter unless you have a few gas masks handy.

10. Be Clark Kent.

No matter how many ‘How To Be A Parent’ videos you’ve watched on YouTube, drop the act and ask for help when you need it. Parents, relations, friends, and strangers – particularly elderly women in shops, as it turns out – will be only too happy to help you even if it is out of pure sympathy.

You’re not Superman. Sure I nearly had to call the AA the first time I tried to put our Bugaboo together.

11. Be the master of ‘Yes’.

Master your ‘yes dears’, ‘no problem love’, ‘absolutely love’, ‘you look great dear’ and most importantly ‘you are doing a great job dear’. Your job is to keep everyone sane and emotionally happy.

This is gold I’m giving you here. Gold.

12. Try To Enjoy it.

It’s exhausting, it’s stressful and it’s hard but when you see how quickly your little one changes, you’ll wonder where the time went. The first few months are the easiest –bar the sleep deprivation – as you essentially have a non-moving chirping Burrito in your house.

When Thing 1 was born I didn’t know how I’d cope but five years on and three kids later, one child just seems like a doddle.

The only constant is that everything keeps changing so get used to it and enjoy each stage.

You’re welcome.