1. 90% of eating with your kids in a restaurant is preventing them from (1) putting food in their drinks or (2) spilling their drinks.
2. ‘Dad, why don’t you let the radio sing instead?’, was just cruel and unnecessary.
3. Trying to open a Capri Sun without it squirting out is one of parenting’s toughest challenges
4. Wearing a Halloween Mask in bed has been a great way to stop our kids from wanting to sleep in our bed at night.
5. You don’t know creepy until you’ve had a child stand over you at 3am and whisper ‘Bunny says he doesn’t like you”. #TimeToChangeTheUndies.
6. Did you know that blueberries can pass through a baby’s digestive system fully intact? Same goes for sweetcorn, carrots, potatoes…
7. One of the best sounds you’ll ever hear is your partner and kids in fits of laughter in the next room.
8. . That said, hearing Thing 1 (5) ‘teaching’ and explaining something to his younger brother (3) makes everything in my world completely insignificant.
9. Son: “DAAAD I only asked you to hold my ice cream”.
Me: “Yes and that was a mistake. Now you must learn from it..
10. The one thing I have in common with our baby is we both cry when our bottles are empty.
11. 6yo: “Daddy what does neglect mean?”
Me: Sssh I’m watching the golf.
12. “I want a snack” – my 4yo when he’s eating.
13. Nothing halts having fun with your kids quicker than when one of them grabs your glasses.
14. We teach our kids not to lie and then 30 seconds later tell them that their picture is excellent.
15. Before i had kids i thought only perverts sniffed underwear.
16. If you yell “what are you up to” and your kids say “nothing” that’s kid code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”
17. Always double-check the garden after you’ve had a party because seeing a 3 year old chew on a cigarette butt is all sorts of wrong.
18. If you want to see a full-blown meltdown, give a boy a girl’s party bag by ‘mistake’.
19. Always make sure that your son is looking into the toilet (or even at the toilet) when you offer to have a ‘wee wee’ sword fight with them. #DadsWillUnderstand
20. I’ve been present at 3 births (right hand is still fractured) but nothing compares to the facial expressions of a toddler trying to squeeze out a poo.
21. Sunday bedtime is usually when my kids like to discuss quantum physics
22. It’s also the time when my kids ‘need to finish’ their homework.
23. …and it’s also the time when I tend to lose my sh*t.
24. I only bring my kids to the library so that I can get some peace and quiet.
25. I’m never more nervous than when I insist we’re out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
26. You haven’t really been patronised until a 6yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back
27. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make my 3yo wipe his own arse.
28. Its weird how 6 glasses of water seems impossible but 6 glasses of wine can be done in one sitting.
29. ‘No I’ll do it myself’ is the reason i’ll never be on time for anything ever again.
30. ‘Really. Wow that’s mad’ – things I say when i’m not listening to my kids (or wife)
31. If bottled bath water was a thing, my kids would drink it by the gallon.
32. Even if my privates were on fire my kids would walk into the room and ask me for a snack.
33. 4yo: I don’t like it, it’s too spicy.
Me: IT’S A YOGURT
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