1. Last weekend I made slime for the first time.
2. Last weekend I made slime for the last time.
3. You know you’re a parent when you start whispering “for fuck’s sake” every time someone calls your name.
4. I say “I don’t know” a lot when I do in fact ‘know’ a lot.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, take a deep breath and ask them another 249 times.
6. Your spouse won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.
7. I’m now at the stage where I’m getting up at the time I used to go to bed at on weekends.
8. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to push a buggy with one hand.
9. Before remarking “he’s gone down well tonight” always check that the baby monitor is turned on.
10. We teach our kids not to lie but then 30 seconds later we tell them their picture is great
11. If you yell “what are you up to?” and your children say “nothing” that’s code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”.
12. Myself and the kids are never more nervous than when we insist we can’t find something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
13. You haven’t really been patronised until a 7yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back.
14. You don’t need fun to have alcohol.
15. If you make eye contact with a child on the verge of sleep you’re f**ked.
16. My toddler’s superpower is to eat half a banana and make it disappear
17. I miss the days of skipping pages when readinga story to my kids.
18. ‘Who’s poo is this?’ is something I say now.
19. My wife calls it yelling. I call it motivational speaking.
20. The grass is often greener because it’s fake.
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