1. When remarking that ‘they’ve gone down well tonight’ it’s always best to check that the monitor is on first.
  2. You can never have too many ‘Swiss Army’ wipes but you can certainly have too few.
  3. The contents inside a baby’s neck folds can often be far worse than anything found in a nappy so it’s best to continually keep it clean.
  4. If you lose your car keys. Again, the neck folds.
  5. The day before you bring your kid to their first swimming class, put a little pee in their bath so that they are used to it.
  6. Teach your kid from an early age just how comfortable the couch is so that they aren’t constantly asking you to do stuff.
  7. That said, no good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on a couch.
  8. When tantrums kick in use a playpen. When they’re finished, just climb out.
  9. Have your partner leave you a voicemail of the baby screaming. Save it and play it to people when you need/want to get out of something.
  10. Never ask “What’s for Dinner?”. Ever.
  11. And don’t go on about how hard your day was even if it consisted of a rectal exam.
  12. Always go big on Mother’s Day… the fact that she’s not actually your mother doesn’t seem to matter.
  13. Continually emphasising the need to keep your kid on a strict schedule makes it easier to say no to crappy things you’ve been invited to.
  14. If you have boys, always always point the willy down.
  15. Playing with my kids is great but nap time is better. Take advantage of it, even if your threatened with a shovel.
  16. Potty training and bubble baths should not be mix. Don’t question it.
  17. When your kid starts crying, start crying bigger and louder. They will soon stop and look at you with concern.
  18. If your buggy doesn’t have a cup holder, get one. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to steer a buggy with one hand.
  19. Spending time with your kid is not called babysitting. Terms like ‘Dad Duty’, ‘On Call’ or ‘Doing Time’ are safer alternatives.
  20. Just so you know, technically glue is edible.
  21. Get used to the plunger, you’ll be using it a lot when your kid(s) get older.
  22. Avoid permanent markers.
  23. Assuming they’re fit and able to pitch in, accept every bit of help on offer from granny and granddad. Their philosophical advice will be brilliant. Their medical advice not so much.
  24. There’ll be more chance of you winning the lotto than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket so invest in a good a dryer.
  25. Don’t beat yourself up about tidying the house. It’s impossible. You’ll move things around and hide stuff in different rooms and that’s about it.
  26. It’s perfectly acceptable to walk away from people who don’t have kids and say they’re exhausted.
  27. Regardless of what people say to you, it’s impossible to ‘enjoy every minute of parenthood’. Strive for survival at best.
  28. Schedule a date night at least once a month.
  29. Remember that you will always be your child’s favourite toy.
  30. Last but not least, always expect the unexpected….It’s easier said than done.


Dad of 3. Husband of 1. Master of None.

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