1. Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
2. I went to a book shop and asked the lady for a book about turtles.
“Hardback?” she asked.
“Yes, and small heads”, I said.
3. What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk? An udder failure.
4. What jam can’t you eat?
5. What did the casket say to the other sick casket?
Is that you coffin?
6. “Dad you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?”.
What a strange way to start a conversation I thought.
7. What starts with E, ends with E and only contains one letter?
8. What did the police say when they raided a seafood restaurant?
Don’t move a mussel.
9. A friend of mine lost his job at the mint factory….
his wife went absolutely menthol.
10. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
11. Never trust someone with graph paper.
They’re always plotting something.
12. The police were called to my son’s creche yesterday because a 3yo was resisting a rest.
13. How do you get rid of an itch? Start from scratch.
14. Dad: Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist.
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Em, yes.
15. Dad, how do I look?
With your eyes son, with your eyes.
16. Apparently 5 out of 4 parents struggle with their children’s maths homework.
17. Did you hear what happened to the chef? He pasta way.
18. My son said to me, what rhymes with orange?
I said, no it doesn’t
19. What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
20. Google is useless sometimes.
I looked up lighters and all I got was 10,000 matches.
21. Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note saying ‘parking fine’.
22. 6.30 is hands down the best time on a clock.
23. I just made up a word. Plagiarism.
24. Don’t you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
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