1. I’m half tempted to create an ‘Unboxing dinner’ video on YouTube so that my kids will eat the bloody food.
2. I’d love to calculate how much time I’ve spent looking for something I know I’ve already thrown away.
3. Raisins, or as I commonly refer to them as, ‘my favourite little box of shut the f*ck up’.
4. My kids moan if they have the same dinner 2 days in a row yet they’ll happily have the same cereal everyday of their lives.
5. If you want your kids to do almost anything just tell them that it’s bedtime.
6. The only thing I want to try in the bedroom these days is 8 hours sleep.
7. Wouldn’t it be great if you could tap your kids to see how long is left when they are telling you a story, similar to when you tap the screen on a YouTube video
8. Apparently no one calls more than a husband doing the grocery shop.
9. I agree with my kids a lot just so they will stop talking.
10. What doesn’t kill you DOESN”T actually make you stronger; It wakes you up by jumping on your head, telling you that they’ve wet the bed and that they want breakfast.
I1. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be moaned at in surround sound, I recommend having 3 kids (and 1 wife).
12. Nothing ever good comes of a conversation that begins with “Dad are you in a good mood?”
13. DD Tip: Take your kid’s ‘artwork’ to work and throw it away there. That way you’ll never get caught throwing it away at home.
14. My kids go through more toilet roll than an Abracadabra jacks.
15. Yesterday I pressed the pedestrian crossing button right in front of my kids just to remind them who’s in charge. That’s how petty I am.
16. Don’t give your kids a Granola bar before bringing them to the dentist….NOT impressed.
17. I poured boiling water on my hand the other day – I wasn’t trying to – and the first thing I heard was ‘Daddy can I have a snack?’….He chewed on that bandage for a good 5 minutes.
18. I often wish there was a drive-thru for everything.
19. I’m now at the stage where I wish that I can sleep when I can’t and I’m no longer able to sleep when I can.
20. If you’re ever concerned about your kid’s hearing, just open a bag of crisps from another room.
21. My toddler should write a book called “Why one sock is better than two”.
22. My 4yo should write a book called “Why I never wait for the sun to come up”
23. My 6yo should write a book called “Why I want to be a Lego Master Builder”
24. Lego should invent a Lego hoover that parents can use to hoover up Lego.
25. A walk in the park is not a walk in the park.
26.Tetris and Tupperware drawers are pretty much one and the same.
27. What doesn’t kill you DOESN”T actually make you stronger; It wakes you up by jumping on your head, telling you that they’ve wet the bed and that they want breakfast. #GoodMorningThing2
28. I’m inventing a ‘Sock Lock’ that prevents toddlers from pulling off their socks and chewing on them. Hit me up if you want to invest.
29. Regardless of how tired you are, check that the sticker is off the apple before you scoff it down.
30. “DAAAAD. HELP. It just came out”. What I didn’t want to hear (or see) when i walked into the bathroom at 3.37am last night.
31. I’m convinced that my 4-year-old is trying to disprove the scripture that ‘man cannot live on bread alone’. #ChallengeAccepted
32. ‘Ugh I hate broccoli’. Yet he’ll eat freshly picked snot no problem.
33. Co-sleeping; what a load of s***.
—->(1) nobody bloody sleeps and
—>(2) it’s more like snow plowing, given how much I have to shift both kid and wife over to their side.
34. Although frowned up, it;s not illegal to call a toddler an asshole.